


Alexander the Great

by daoinhe



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Fluff and Humor, One Shot, Short One Shot, Team Bonding, Team Dynamics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:54:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22309000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daoinhe/pseuds/daoinhe
Summary: Soldier has been so caught up in his research that he misses part of poker night.  He then brings poker night to a screeching halt with the results of his research.
Comments: 13
Kudos: 57





	Alexander the Great

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to Distasty for your help with this little bitty thing! I wanted to do something light and fun, I've been writing some pretty heavy stuff lately. So, while left unattended in the kitchen, I had this insane idea and, well, here it is. I hope you all enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Solly was not the smartest man on base. Ask anyone, including Solly, and they would tell that honor went to Engineer, with Medic a close second. But there was no denying the fact that Solly was smart. Not your average E=MC squared kind of smart, but the kind of smart that had allowed him to survive WWII with no back up. Hell, the kind of smart that had allowed him to get to WWII with no back up. So, when Solly discovered the library on base, no one really thought anything about it. Solly liked books. Military books were his favorite, and when he was not misrepresenting the military wisdom of Sun Tzu, he could often be found reading. Unless it was poker night. Solly liked poker more than he liked books. 

You can imagine the team’s shock the night that Solly didn’t show up for poker. Demo and Sniper were sitting at the table, staring at each other, waiting. Heavy was in the kitchen making a huge platter of sandwiches and Engie was sinking long neck brown bottles into a bucket of ice. Scout was on the couch, watching cartoons, nobody took exception to that as Scout was still, by everyone else’s estimation, ‘just a kid.’ Pyro was in the corner with a bucket of crayons and some glitter, doing mysterious Pyro things. Nobody took exception to that either. It was best to just let Pyro be Pyro, they’d all decided, Pyro was an ugly crier. 

When Medic finished up in the clinic, he strolled into the room and looked at the assembled team. Spy materialized in a corner, completing the group. Medic walked over to the table and took his accustomed chair, just as Heavy and Engie finished their tasks in the kitchen. With everybody seated, Sniper, shuffling the cards casually in his long-fingered hands, looked pointedly at the empty seat. 

“Where’s Solly?” Sniper’s strongly accented query asked the question that was perplexing the rest. Demo, looking up blearily, nodded. “Aye, where is the lad? He never misses a chance to rob me blind.” He chuckled and nudged Sniper in the ribs. “Did ya see what I did there?” He pointed to his eyepatch and laughed so hard he nearly slid under the table. Sniper’s steadying hand was all that kept him upright. 

Sniper shook his head, a wry smile on his lips. “I see, mate. Good one.” 

“Soldier is in the library.” Medic spoke up from his seat between Heavy and Engineer. “He said that he wanted to research a few more things, then he would be along.” He shrugged. “I stopped by on my way from the clinic when I saw the light under the door.”

The others stared, even Scout, from his place on the couch, lowered the tv volume. Pyro looked up from its papers and crayons, head held at a quizzical angle. 

“He did what?” Engie, voice tinged with alarm, asked.

“I said, he wanted to stay in the library. He is conducting research there.” Medic didn’t understand the problem, he’d often put aside fun things for the sake of research. Especially if he had a live specimen that appeared to have a very limited lifespan. Admittedly, it was often the research that limited the length of the lifespan, but, as Engie would say, ‘You have to break a few eggs to make an omelet.’

Engie’s eyes widened. “Solly turned down poker night to research something? Did you by any chance check his vitals, Doc? Or make sure he wasn’t a really bad Spy?” He shook his head. “That’s just not like him at all. I don’t get it.”

Medic shrugged. “He appeared to be perfectly healthy. He is simply wrapped up in his project.” 

The rest of the team looked at each other, eyes rolling and heads shaking. At last Heavy shrugged. “Is Soldier’s right to do research.” He glanced around the table. “Heavy wants to play and eat. Soldier with come when ready.” Not willing to say no to the big man, the rest of the team picked up the hands they’d been dealt. 

The game had been under way for some time when Solly appeared in the doorway. He stood for a moment, surveying the team, an odd gleam in his eye. At last he came in and took his seat at the table, Engie on his left, Medic on his right. He was silent for a moment, waiting for the next round to be dealt in. When he had his cards, Solly sat back and watched the game. There is a rhythm to poker, he’d found, and by missing the beginning of the game, his rhythm was suffering. Easily fixed though, he decided. 

Engie, sitting to Solly’s left, glanced over at him. “So, Solly, what are you researching?” Engie was not only the most intelligent guy on the team, but also the nicest. Besides, the thought of Solly doing research was just intriguing enough to be worth conversing about. Engie was also kind of nosy, to be honest, but no one minded, it was just his way. 

Solly glanced from his cards to Engie. “Alexander the Great.” He tipped his head back so that he could see Engie from the overhang of his helmet. “Have you heard of him?”

Engie nodded. “I might’ve heard him mentioned a time or two. What are you finding out about him?” 

Solly anted up and then grinned, the wide delighted grin of a child being asked to show off his knowledge. “He was a magnificent military commander. He conquered the largest kingdom in the ancient world, and it took him only ten years to do so. This was due to his grasp of strategy and tactics.” Solly chuckled. “He was no Sun Tzu, but he was a helluva fighter.”

Engie nodded. “So I’ve heard.” He laid down a card and received another in return, adding the new one to his deck. “He was a great man.”

Solly nodded, his face earnest. “He was. And I have decided to follow the example of Alexander the Great in regard to my new team building program. I have done the research on this, and it will make us all a much better fighting unit. Within the week, I plan on having sex with every one of you.” With these words, Solly reached under the table and cupped Engie’s package, giving it a light squeeze.

Engie, beyond startled by this sudden groping of his most sensitive bits, sprayed beer from his mouth across the table, showering the pot, the cards, and Sniper and Demo. Sniper shoved his chair back, jumping to his feet and brushing frantically at himself while cursing soundly. Demo, deprived of Sniper’s support, promptly fell from his chair with a loud curse. Scout’s head snapped around, his mouth a round O of surprise. Pyro continued to color.

Engie shoved himself backwards, jumping from his chair and backing away from the table fast. Cards and beer went flying everywhere. “You’re gonna do WHAT?” The last word was a high-pitched squeak, his eyes so wide the whites shone all around. 

Solly got up calmly from his chair and followed Engie’s backward retreat. “Don’t worry, cupcake. I’ve researched this. It is a team building exercise.” He smiled at Engie, speaking into the stunned silence that filled the room. “If you are afraid, I will sleep with one of the others first.” He turned and looked at the men filling the room in various states of shock and disbelief. “Who would like to volunteer for this mission?”


End file.
